What to do if your ex hates you?

October 7th, 2009 § 0

If your ex hates you, it’s going to be more difficult to get them back than if things had ended more amicably. Negative feelings of any kind create resistance and we have to overcome those negative feelings before getting back together is even a possibility.

The first thing that you need to do is back off completely. These negative feelings dissipate with time, not with effort and persistence. You can’t argue with your ex and convince them they shouldn’t hate you. They simply need to be left alone and those feelings will slowly fade on their own.

The length of time they need to be left alone varies depending on how negative and strong you think these feelings they have for you are but I recommend at least a couple of weeks (minimum) and that is if things ended relatively well and there is very little negativity. If your ex literally hates you, you may want to wait up to 90 days before trying to contact them.

READER POLL: Why did you and your ex break up?

October 5th, 2009 § 2

I’m curious to see what the findings of this reader poll will be. By posting a comment on this post, describe the reason you and your ex broke up. Try to keep it as short. If possible, try to summarize it in a sentence (maybe two) so that it will be easy for me to categorize.

Why is it so hard to get back together after a break up?

October 4th, 2009 § 0

Getting back together after a break up is difficult because because it is such a definitive event. One person has said, “I want this to end.” Going back on that makes that person appear flakey and weak and people are generally unwilling to recant once they’ve made such a bold and definite statement.

Further, before they even said the words, “We are breaking up.” They went over the reasons for the break up again and again in their mind. They probably consulted with their family and friends. After explaining their reasons, their family and friends probably agreed with them. So, not only would they appear weak and inconsistent to you, they would appear that way to their friends and family.

And during the break up, there was probably some back and forth discussion about the reasons for the break up. You may have argued with them about their reasons, you have may have tried to find ways around their reasons. When you did so, you made them think through their arguments and dig their heals in. They probably even came up with new reasons for the break up on the spot.

After the break up, you were probably extremely emotional and probably behaved in a dramatic or even negative way. Some people cannot contain their feelings and may become angry, very distressed – it can come off crazy to an observer. Your ex may have interpreted your behavior as additional evidence that the two of you should not be together.

Taken together, these can all create a lot of friction when you are trying to get back together. You will have to overcome a lot of resistance and it won’t be easy. This is why I recommend that people follow a proven plan: so that you avoid the mistakes that most people make. You can do a lot of damage in those first few days after a break up and it can be difficult to undo.

READER QUESTION: What can I do to get my ex to come back to me?

October 4th, 2009 § 0

READER: Brian — I have tried everything to get my ex to come back to me. We broke up because she thought that we were not good for each other. She thought that I did not value her or respect her. I told her that I would change and that things would be different but she did not listen. After that I tried everything that I could think of. I texted her nice things. I sent flowers to her work. I sent her romantic music. Nothing worked! Please help me! I really want to get her back.

MY RESPONSE:

Unfortunately, once someone has made up their mind to end a relationship, they have prepared themselves for argument. They have gone over the reasons for the break up over and over in their mind and have probably discussed it with friends and family. Talking them into coming back to you is an exercise in futility. It is very unlikely that they are going to say, “Oh, you are going to change and things will be different? Well, hot dang, let’s give it another shot.”

Chances are that she gave you many hints prior to the breakup that she wanted things to change. Chances are, you didn’t change and that is why she is at the point where she is ending the relationship. Simply telling her that things are going to be different from now on sounds empty when you had the chance before to make things right and didn’t.

The other things that you tried – sending her flowers and gifts, being nice, etc. only lower your appeal to her. They make you seem desperate and needy. When someone has decided that you are no good for them and they are going to move on, your advances only make it easier for them.

You were on the right track with “change.” The key at this point is not telling her that things are going to be different but showing her that things are going to be different and the only way to do that is to demonstrate that to her. She needs to really believe that you have changed so the relationship is going to be different this time.

Doing that is tricky and it’s going to take a lot of work on your part and I’ve detailed all the steps in my book on getting back your ex. It is too much to explain here but I recommend that you get a copy.

Getting Over Your Ex

October 4th, 2009 § 1

While I typically talk about getting your ex back on this blog, I think it’s also important to address the opposite issue. Some people realize that getting back their ex may not be the best thing for them so they only wish to know how to get over them and move on with their life. If you want information on getting back your ex, please go here instead.

For those seeking to get over their ex, I have the following advice:

Accept it 100%: This means you don’t secretly hope that things will work out down the road. You’ve decided that things aren’t going to work and for that reason you don’t want them to work. You don’t want to run into them at a party. You don’t want to keep pictures of them around the house. You don’t fantasize about a chance meeting years from now.

This is, without a doubt, the single most important factor for getting over your ex. Without doing this, you’ll never be able to move on. Here are some things that may be helpful in getting to this point:

1. List off reasons why you guys were not good together: It is easy after a breakup to forget about the bad things and focus on only the good parts of the relationship. Unfortunately, this can leave you feeling as though you are missing out on something and increase feelings of loss and desire to have them back. If you are honest with yourself, the break up probably happened for good reasons and you need to stay focused on those if you are going to move on.

2. Have a way to push them out when they pop in: Some people say that you should think about your ex because that is part of the process of moving on. I disagree. When people think about their ex immediately after the break up they have a tendency to fantasize and torture themselves. I don’t think this is part of the healing process, I think this is drawing out the pain. When your ex pops into mind, tell yourself something powerful and succinct such as “They weren’t good to me and I am too good for them.” and then start thinking about something else. Don’t allow yourself to yearn and regret the loss, push them out.

3. Get an empowering song: There are many songs out there about breaking up with someone and then feeling good about it in every genre. Find a song that you like, that makes you feel strong, listen to it as often as you need to. This will be an important tool to keep yourself from feeling down. It’s much easier to stay up than it is to get yourself back up when you are down.

4. Stay active: Your friends – if they are good friends – are probably already trying to help you forget about your ex. Don’t turn down their invitations to go out and do things. In addition, it’s a good idea to take up a new hobby, do things you’ve been wanting to do but have been putting off, and start exercising. The busier you stay, the more happy you will feel, and the less opportunity you will have to feel down and sorry for yourself.

5. Start dating: Join Match.com, go out on a blind date, go to the bar with the intent of meeting someone. Whatever you do, don’t talk about your recent breakup.

Getting over your ex is not easy, but don’t listen to people who say it’s got to be hard. It is only as hard as you make it. By letting go of your ex and actively pushing them out of your life, you will feel better more quickly. And the better you feel, the more attractive you will be to Mr. or Ms. Right who is waiting just around the corner to meet you.

What you should say to your ex after a break up

October 4th, 2009 § 0

If you want to get back together with your ex, how you react and what you say after the break up is very important. Unfortunately, many people will say or do the wrong thing simply because they are so caught up in emotion. Of course, it’s understandable. Few events are so profoundly emotional as someone you love ending your relationship with them. It hurts.

But, what can you say or do now to improve your chances of getting them back?

Before we answer that question, let’s first talk about what you definitely should not do:

- Don’t get angry and attack them.

- Don’t argue with them about why you should stay together.

- Don’t try to make them feel guilty by acting depressed.

These three things are very tempting to do and most people typically resort to one or more of these three tactics. However, they are generally ineffective. By attacking your ex, you only confirm he or she made the right decision by breaking up with you. By arguing with them, you force them to argue back thereby making them come up with more reasons why you two shouldn’t be together thereby cementing the decision. Trying to make them feel guilty for breaking up with you only makes you seem weak and therefore unattractive.

Avoid those three approaches to getting them back like the plague – they are ineffective and, worse, will do more damage to the relationship.

So what SHOULD you do?

You should react maturely. It won’t feel as satisfying as yelling and screaming, it won’t make you feel like you’ve made any progress, and it won’t make them come running back into your arms.

When they end the relationship and you say something mature – something along the lines of, “I respect your decision. I wish it wasn’t the case, but I understand” – you plant a seed. They think “Wow, he’s taking it pretty well. That’s better than I expected.”

You earn their respect by saying that. You move up a couple notches. You become more attractive to them improving your chances of getting them back later on.  Once you’ve left things that way, it is time to begin using my 30 day plan for getting them back. In that plan, I’ll give you a step-by-step plan you can follow to repair the relationship and get them back.

My ex did _______, what should I do?

February 27th, 2007 § 9

I get a few different types of questions that all center on interpreting an ex’s behavior:

“My ex wrote me an email the other day, what does that mean?”
“My ex girlfriend texted me last night, do you think she wants to get back together with me?”
“My boyfriend has been calling me pretty often, do you think he is interested in getting back together?”

Unfortunately, the nature of relationships is so complicated that there really isn’t anything definitive that I am able to tell you or anyone else about the correct interpretation of a certain behavior. Does it seem like a positive thing that your ex is contacting you? Sure, it seems positive but that’s obvious. The exact meaning of that action is known only to him or her … and maybe not even to them.

Besides, it really doesn’t matter why your ex did something or what it means. If you want to get back with your ex then you should be focused on pursuing that end *** . It would be helpful to know if they want to be with you but if you are serious about being with them then you’ll have to take steps on faith alone. Trying to read into their behavior will only leave you confused and may lead you to make assumptions that aren’t true. It’s best to just focus on working the plan in my book about getting back together with an ex.

[*** Now, of course, this doesn't mean that you should ignore blatant signals that they DON'T want to be with you. If your ex makes it inmistakeably clear that they don't want anything to do with you then you should respect that. The overwhelming majority of the time, I am contacted by men and women who are wanting to know if something their ex did is a positive sign and that is the audience I am writing to. I'm including this disclaimer so someone can't use what I'm saying in this article to stalk or harass their ex.]

FREE: Getting The Most From Online Dating

February 15th, 2007 § 4

Online dating can be tricky… there are certain things that you have to do to experience success (such as putting a picture in your profile) and certain mistakes that will literally doom you to failure (such as joining a small personals site that doesn’t have many members).

To help you navigate these murky waters, so that the time and money you invest into online dating will yield you rewards in the form of many dates with people who are a good match for you, I’m giving away my ebook “Getting the Most From Online Dating.”

It’s packed full of tips, strategies, and suggestions and I think you’ll find it useful whether you are just getting started with online personals or you are a seasoned verteran.

You can download it by clicking HERE or from this link:

http://www.exback.com/ODS.pdf

Should you or shouldn’t you?

February 8th, 2007 § 2

Here is a great article listing “good” reasons for getting back together with an ex and reasons to never go there again:

http://www.nzgirl.com/articles/5535

What to give your ex boyfriend or girlfriend for Valentine’s Day

February 8th, 2007 § 4

Around this time of year I start getting emails like this:

“Should I get my ex a present for Valetine’s Day even though we aren’t together?”

“Should I buy my ex flowers or write her a poem?”

“What should I get my ex girlfriend for Valentine’s Day so that she will want me back?”

I’ve already written an article on this topic. Since it’s timely I’m going to post it here as well.

Here is the link:

What to Get Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day

I’ll give you a hint… it’s going to save you money and heartache.

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