Getting Back Together With Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend

Getting back together after a break up is difficult because because it is such a definitive event. One person has said, “I want this to end.” Going back on that makes that person appear flakey and weak and people are generally unwilling to recant once they’ve made such a bold and definite statement.

Further, before they even said the words, “We are breaking up.” They went over the reasons for the break up again and again in their mind. They probably consulted with their family and friends. After explaining their reasons, their family and friends probably agreed with them. So, not only would they appear weak and inconsistent to you, they would appear that way to their friends and family.

And during the break up, there was probably some back and forth discussion about the reasons for the break up. You may have argued with them about their reasons, you have may have tried to find ways around their reasons. When you did so, you made them think through their arguments and dig their heals in. They probably even came up with new reasons for the break up on the spot.

After the break up, you were probably extremely emotional and probably behaved in a dramatic or even negative way. Some people cannot contain their feelings and may become angry, very distressed – it can come off crazy to an observer. Your ex may have interpreted your behavior as additional evidence that the two of you should not be together.

Taken together, these can all create a lot of friction when you are trying to get back together. You will have to overcome a lot of resistance and it won’t be easy. This is why I recommend that people follow a proven plan: so that you avoid the mistakes that most people make. You can do a lot of damage in those first few days after a break up and it can be difficult to undo.

READER: Brian — I have tried everything to get my ex to come back to me. We broke up because she thought that we were not good for each other. She thought that I did not value her or respect her. I told her that I would change and that things would be different but she did not listen. After that I tried everything that I could think of. I texted her nice things. I sent flowers to her work. I sent her romantic music. Nothing worked! Please help me! I really want to get her back.

MY RESPONSE:

Unfortunately, once someone has made up their mind to end a relationship, they have prepared themselves for argument. They have gone over the reasons for the break up over and over in their mind and have probably discussed it with friends and family. Talking them into coming back to you is an exercise in futility. It is very unlikely that they are going to say, “Oh, you are going to change and things will be different? Well, hot dang, let’s give it another shot.”

Chances are that she gave you many hints prior to the breakup that she wanted things to change. Chances are, you didn’t change and that is why she is at the point where she is ending the relationship. Simply telling her that things are going to be different from now on sounds empty when you had the chance before to make things right and didn’t.

The other things that you tried – sending her flowers and gifts, being nice, etc. only lower your appeal to her. They make you seem desperate and needy. When someone has decided that you are no good for them and they are going to move on, your advances only make it easier for them.

You were on the right track with “change.” The key at this point is not telling her that things are going to be different but showing her that things are going to be different and the only way to do that is to demonstrate that to her. She needs to really believe that you have changed so the relationship is going to be different this time.

Doing that is tricky and it’s going to take a lot of work on your part and I’ve detailed all the steps in my book on getting back your ex. It is too much to explain here but I recommend that you get a copy.

If you want to get back together with your ex, how you react and what you say after the break up is very important. Unfortunately, many people will say or do the wrong thing simply because they are so caught up in emotion. Of course, it’s understandable. Few events are so profoundly emotional as someone you love ending your relationship with them. It hurts.

But, what can you say or do now to improve your chances of getting them back?

Before we answer that question, let’s first talk about what you definitely should not do:

- Don’t get angry and attack them.

- Don’t argue with them about why you should stay together.

- Don’t try to make them feel guilty by acting depressed.

These three things are very tempting to do and most people typically resort to one or more of these three tactics. However, they are generally ineffective. By attacking your ex, you only confirm he or she made the right decision by breaking up with you. By arguing with them, you force them to argue back thereby making them come up with more reasons why you two shouldn’t be together thereby cementing the decision. Trying to make them feel guilty for breaking up with you only makes you seem weak and therefore unattractive.

Avoid those three approaches to getting them back like the plague – they are ineffective and, worse, will do more damage to the relationship.

So what SHOULD you do?

You should react maturely. It won’t feel as satisfying as yelling and screaming, it won’t make you feel like you’ve made any progress, and it won’t make them come running back into your arms.

When they end the relationship and you say something mature – something along the lines of, “I respect your decision. I wish it wasn’t the case, but I understand” – you plant a seed. They think “Wow, he’s taking it pretty well. That’s better than I expected.”

You earn their respect by saying that. You move up a couple notches. You become more attractive to them improving your chances of getting them back later on.  Once you’ve left things that way, it is time to begin using my 30 day plan for getting them back. In that plan, I’ll give you a step-by-step plan you can follow to repair the relationship and get them back.

I get a few different types of questions that all center on interpreting an ex’s behavior:

“My ex wrote me an email the other day, what does that mean?”
“My ex girlfriend texted me last night, do you think she wants to get back together with me?”
“My boyfriend has been calling me pretty often, do you think he is interested in getting back together?”

Unfortunately, the nature of relationships is so complicated that there really isn’t anything definitive that I am able to tell you or anyone else about the correct interpretation of a certain behavior. Does it seem like a positive thing that your ex is contacting you? Sure, it seems positive but that’s obvious. The exact meaning of that action is known only to him or her … and maybe not even to them.

Besides, it really doesn’t matter why your ex did something or what it means. If you want to get back with your ex then you should be focused on pursuing that end *** . It would be helpful to know if they want to be with you but if you are serious about being with them then you’ll have to take steps on faith alone. Trying to read into their behavior will only leave you confused and may lead you to make assumptions that aren’t true. It’s best to just focus on working the plan in my book about getting back together with an ex.

[*** Now, of course, this doesn't mean that you should ignore blatant signals that they DON'T want to be with you. If your ex makes it inmistakeably clear that they don't want anything to do with you then you should respect that. The overwhelming majority of the time, I am contacted by men and women who are wanting to know if something their ex did is a positive sign and that is the audience I am writing to. I'm including this disclaimer so someone can't use what I'm saying in this article to stalk or harass their ex.]

The first 72 hours after a breakup is crucial. Most people damage their chances of getting back with their ex during this time period. As if by instinct, they go into a needy, reactive, irrational state. They may call their ex repeatedly even after they’ve been told to stop, they insult their ex because they are hurt, or they might do something embarrassing in a public place. These behaviors are understandable because after a breakup a person is very emotional and may behave in ways they normally wouldn’t. The breakup seems like the most important thing in the moment and they aren’t really focused on the getting back together part.

So what are you supposed to immediately after a break up? In a word… nothing.

Give them space. Even though everything that you are may be fighting it, back off. Don’t call them crying, don’t send them wordy emails explaining what happened from your perspective, don’t beg for their forgiveness. Just let your ex be.

Only by giving them breathing room after a break up do you allow them to come to terms with what they have done. If the relationship had worth to them, they may second guess themselves and change their mind. They may realize the mistake they have made. But, if you are acting needy or acting irrationally you make them sure of themsevles. You give them evidence that you guys shouldn’t be together in a relationship. Only by allowing them the space to reconsider their decision do you make it possible for them to do so. It could only help your cause if your reaction to the break up is mature, confident, and shows your composure under pressure. This is much more attractive, and more likely to lead to getting back together, than, for instance, a drunken scene in front of their apartment, or whatever else your feelings are telling you makes sense right now.