Getting Back Together With Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend

If your ex hates you, it’s going to be more difficult to get them back than if things had ended more amicably. Negative feelings of any kind create resistance and we have to overcome those negative feelings before getting back together is even a possibility.

The first thing that you need to do is back off completely. These negative feelings dissipate with time, not with effort and persistence. You can’t argue with your ex and convince them they shouldn’t hate you. They simply need to be left alone and those feelings will slowly fade on their own.

The length of time they need to be left alone varies depending on how negative and strong you think these feelings they have for you are but I recommend at least a couple of weeks (minimum) and that is if things ended relatively well and there is very little negativity. If your ex literally hates you, you may want to wait up to 90 days before trying to contact them.

READER: Brian — I have tried everything to get my ex to come back to me. We broke up because she thought that we were not good for each other. She thought that I did not value her or respect her. I told her that I would change and that things would be different but she did not listen. After that I tried everything that I could think of. I texted her nice things. I sent flowers to her work. I sent her romantic music. Nothing worked! Please help me! I really want to get her back.

MY RESPONSE:

Unfortunately, once someone has made up their mind to end a relationship, they have prepared themselves for argument. They have gone over the reasons for the break up over and over in their mind and have probably discussed it with friends and family. Talking them into coming back to you is an exercise in futility. It is very unlikely that they are going to say, “Oh, you are going to change and things will be different? Well, hot dang, let’s give it another shot.”

Chances are that she gave you many hints prior to the breakup that she wanted things to change. Chances are, you didn’t change and that is why she is at the point where she is ending the relationship. Simply telling her that things are going to be different from now on sounds empty when you had the chance before to make things right and didn’t.

The other things that you tried – sending her flowers and gifts, being nice, etc. only lower your appeal to her. They make you seem desperate and needy. When someone has decided that you are no good for them and they are going to move on, your advances only make it easier for them.

You were on the right track with “change.” The key at this point is not telling her that things are going to be different but showing her that things are going to be different and the only way to do that is to demonstrate that to her. She needs to really believe that you have changed so the relationship is going to be different this time.

Doing that is tricky and it’s going to take a lot of work on your part and I’ve detailed all the steps in my book on getting back your ex. It is too much to explain here but I recommend that you get a copy.

If you want to get back together with your ex, how you react and what you say after the break up is very important. Unfortunately, many people will say or do the wrong thing simply because they are so caught up in emotion. Of course, it’s understandable. Few events are so profoundly emotional as someone you love ending your relationship with them. It hurts.

But, what can you say or do now to improve your chances of getting them back?

Before we answer that question, let’s first talk about what you definitely should not do:

- Don’t get angry and attack them.

- Don’t argue with them about why you should stay together.

- Don’t try to make them feel guilty by acting depressed.

These three things are very tempting to do and most people typically resort to one or more of these three tactics. However, they are generally ineffective. By attacking your ex, you only confirm he or she made the right decision by breaking up with you. By arguing with them, you force them to argue back thereby making them come up with more reasons why you two shouldn’t be together thereby cementing the decision. Trying to make them feel guilty for breaking up with you only makes you seem weak and therefore unattractive.

Avoid those three approaches to getting them back like the plague – they are ineffective and, worse, will do more damage to the relationship.

So what SHOULD you do?

You should react maturely. It won’t feel as satisfying as yelling and screaming, it won’t make you feel like you’ve made any progress, and it won’t make them come running back into your arms.

When they end the relationship and you say something mature – something along the lines of, “I respect your decision. I wish it wasn’t the case, but I understand” – you plant a seed. They think “Wow, he’s taking it pretty well. That’s better than I expected.”

You earn their respect by saying that. You move up a couple notches. You become more attractive to them improving your chances of getting them back later on.  Once you’ve left things that way, it is time to begin using my 30 day plan for getting them back. In that plan, I’ll give you a step-by-step plan you can follow to repair the relationship and get them back.

The Human Need to Appear Consistent

Consistency is a virtue in our culture. A person whose beliefs, words, and actions align perfectly is admired as honest, genuine, and dependable. Whether we realize it or not, we place a great deal of stock in the consistency of people we associate with and we constantly strive to appear consistent to others. (This is why car salesmen push so hard for even the smallest comittment to buy… once you say you are going to do something it is difficult to change your mind.)

When your ex broke up with you, he or she made a verbal statement of what they wanted to do – a commitment of sorts. To then change their mind would be difficult because it reflects poorly on them.

No, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t thinking, “I can’t get back together with _______ because then I will appear inconsistent.” But the desire to be consistent is there – below the surface of their conscious thoughts. It’s almost automatic since the motivation to be consistent is so deeply ingrained in all of us.

When you try to argue with your ex you are – in a way – asking them to recant, to back down, to change their mind, to break a verbal “promise” they made. Your ex will automatically resist as soon as they realize what you are doing. In their mind, they will review all of their original reasons for the break up. They will use these reasons to resist your argument.

The commitment they made and the need to appear consistent automatically flips a switch in their head – RESIST! RESIST! RESIST! The conversation starts on the wrong trajectory and may continue to get worse.

The longer the argument goes on and the more points that are brought up by you, the more sophisticated their counter-arguments must become… they may come up with reasons why you shouldn’t get back together that weren’t even the reason for the breakup! In other words, while they are defending their choice to break up, they are coming up with MORE reasons why you shouldn’t get back together!

By arguing with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend are cementing the decision in their mind.

This discussion is very related to Mistake 4 of the 7 most common mistakes people make when trying to get back together with their ex girlfriend or boyfriend. You can get this list of mistakes by clicking HERE and signing up for my free course on that topic.