Around this time of year I start getting emails like this:
“Should I get my ex a present for Valetine’s Day even though we aren’t together?”
“Should I buy my ex flowers or write her a poem?”
“What should I get my ex girlfriend for Valentine’s Day so that she will want me back?”
I’ve already written an article on this topic. Since it’s timely I’m going to post it here as well.
Here is the link:
What to Get Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day
I’ll give you a hint… it’s going to save you money and heartache.
The Human Need to Appear Consistent
Consistency is a virtue in our culture. A person whose beliefs, words, and actions align perfectly is admired as honest, genuine, and dependable. Whether we realize it or not, we place a great deal of stock in the consistency of people we associate with and we constantly strive to appear consistent to others. (This is why car salesmen push so hard for even the smallest comittment to buy… once you say you are going to do something it is difficult to change your mind.)
When your ex broke up with you, he or she made a verbal statement of what they wanted to do – a commitment of sorts. To then change their mind would be difficult because it reflects poorly on them.
No, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t thinking, “I can’t get back together with _______ because then I will appear inconsistent.” But the desire to be consistent is there – below the surface of their conscious thoughts. It’s almost automatic since the motivation to be consistent is so deeply ingrained in all of us.
When you try to argue with your ex you are – in a way – asking them to recant, to back down, to change their mind, to break a verbal “promise” they made. Your ex will automatically resist as soon as they realize what you are doing. In their mind, they will review all of their original reasons for the break up. They will use these reasons to resist your argument.
The commitment they made and the need to appear consistent automatically flips a switch in their head – RESIST! RESIST! RESIST! The conversation starts on the wrong trajectory and may continue to get worse.
The longer the argument goes on and the more points that are brought up by you, the more sophisticated their counter-arguments must become… they may come up with reasons why you shouldn’t get back together that weren’t even the reason for the breakup! In other words, while they are defending their choice to break up, they are coming up with MORE reasons why you shouldn’t get back together!
By arguing with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend are cementing the decision in their mind.
This discussion is very related to Mistake 4 of the 7 most common mistakes people make when trying to get back together with their ex girlfriend or boyfriend. You can get this list of mistakes by clicking HERE and signing up for my free course on that topic.
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READER QUESTION:
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Hi Brian,
I just started reading your book, which is great. I have a question for you.
I really, really want to go to this concert Friday. Originally, I was supposed to go with my ex but, obviously, we broke up. Should I go anyway, knowing the he will be there, or should I not go? I love the band but I don’t want to mess up my chances of getting him back. Any advice?
Thanks!
Sincerely,
Not sure what to do
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MY RESPONSE:
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Dear Not sure what to do,
If you really want to see the concert, and aren’t going in hopes that you’ll “happen” to run into him and get back together, then I definitely think that you should go.
If you do, by chance, run into him while you are there just be friendly. Don’t act needy. Don’t try to get back together with him. Treat him like you would any other friend. Whatever you do, don’t make a scene.
However, if you don’t think that you are capable of seeing him and acting normal (as in NOT making a scene, crying, etc.) then I’d recommend that you not go.
If you think you are able to meet that one stipulation then I say go… and have fun. Don’t let this unfortunate event in your love life ruin your whole life.
Best wishes,
Brian