Getting Back Together With Your Ex Boyfriend or Ex Girlfriend

READER: Brian — I have tried everything to get my ex to come back to me. We broke up because she thought that we were not good for each other. She thought that I did not value her or respect her. I told her that I would change and that things would be different but she did not listen. After that I tried everything that I could think of. I texted her nice things. I sent flowers to her work. I sent her romantic music. Nothing worked! Please help me! I really want to get her back.

MY RESPONSE:

Unfortunately, once someone has made up their mind to end a relationship, they have prepared themselves for argument. They have gone over the reasons for the break up over and over in their mind and have probably discussed it with friends and family. Talking them into coming back to you is an exercise in futility. It is very unlikely that they are going to say, “Oh, you are going to change and things will be different? Well, hot dang, let’s give it another shot.”

Chances are that she gave you many hints prior to the breakup that she wanted things to change. Chances are, you didn’t change and that is why she is at the point where she is ending the relationship. Simply telling her that things are going to be different from now on sounds empty when you had the chance before to make things right and didn’t.

The other things that you tried – sending her flowers and gifts, being nice, etc. only lower your appeal to her. They make you seem desperate and needy. When someone has decided that you are no good for them and they are going to move on, your advances only make it easier for them.

You were on the right track with “change.” The key at this point is not telling her that things are going to be different but showing her that things are going to be different and the only way to do that is to demonstrate that to her. She needs to really believe that you have changed so the relationship is going to be different this time.

Doing that is tricky and it’s going to take a lot of work on your part and I’ve detailed all the steps in my book on getting back your ex. It is too much to explain here but I recommend that you get a copy.

I get a few different types of questions that all center on interpreting an ex’s behavior:

“My ex wrote me an email the other day, what does that mean?”
“My ex girlfriend texted me last night, do you think she wants to get back together with me?”
“My boyfriend has been calling me pretty often, do you think he is interested in getting back together?”

Unfortunately, the nature of relationships is so complicated that there really isn’t anything definitive that I am able to tell you or anyone else about the correct interpretation of a certain behavior. Does it seem like a positive thing that your ex is contacting you? Sure, it seems positive but that’s obvious. The exact meaning of that action is known only to him or her … and maybe not even to them.

Besides, it really doesn’t matter why your ex did something or what it means. If you want to get back with your ex then you should be focused on pursuing that end *** . It would be helpful to know if they want to be with you but if you are serious about being with them then you’ll have to take steps on faith alone. Trying to read into their behavior will only leave you confused and may lead you to make assumptions that aren’t true. It’s best to just focus on working the plan in my book about getting back together with an ex.

[*** Now, of course, this doesn't mean that you should ignore blatant signals that they DON'T want to be with you. If your ex makes it inmistakeably clear that they don't want anything to do with you then you should respect that. The overwhelming majority of the time, I am contacted by men and women who are wanting to know if something their ex did is a positive sign and that is the audience I am writing to. I'm including this disclaimer so someone can't use what I'm saying in this article to stalk or harass their ex.]

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QUESTION FROM READER:

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“Will your plan for getting back an ex help me get back together with my husband after a divorce? Or is it only for dating relationships?”

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MY RESPONSE:

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I’ve got to be honest… I don’t know for sure.

I would think that the same principles and suggestions apply, but the How to Get Back Your Ex plan evolved working with singles trying to get back their ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends, so I’m not willing to give an unqualified “yes.”

I can’t see any reason why it wouldn’t work, and it may be one of the best solutions out there for people who are trying to get back together with a divorced wife or husband.

It’s possible that it would have a lower success rate since a divorce is usually precipitated by more serious issues and a longer period of resentment and dislike. In other words, there would be larger barriers to overcome. Also, I am not a marriage counselor and so I don’t feel qualified to deal with divorce and marriage.

So, to summarize, I’d say that it would probably be very helpful and would provide you with information that you should probably know (since it is a similar situation) but you can’t expect the same results since it is a more difficult set of circumstances.

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READER QUESTION:

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Hi Brian,

I just started reading your book, which is great. I have a question for you.

I really, really want to go to this concert Friday. Originally, I was supposed to go with my ex but, obviously, we broke up. Should I go anyway, knowing the he will be there, or should I not go? I love the band but I don’t want to mess up my chances of getting him back. Any advice?

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Not sure what to do

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MY RESPONSE:

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Dear Not sure what to do,

If you really want to see the concert, and aren’t going in hopes that you’ll “happen” to run into him and get back together, then I definitely think that you should go.

If you do, by chance, run into him while you are there just be friendly. Don’t act needy. Don’t try to get back together with him. Treat him like you would any other friend. Whatever you do, don’t make a scene.

However, if you don’t think that you are capable of seeing him and acting normal (as in NOT making a scene, crying, etc.) then I’d recommend that you not go.

If you think you are able to meet that one stipulation then I say go… and have fun. Don’t let this unfortunate event in your love life ruin your whole life.

Best wishes,

Brian