READER: Brian — I have tried everything to get my ex to come back to me. We broke up because she thought that we were not good for each other. She thought that I did not value her or respect her. I told her that I would change and that things would be different but she did not listen. After that I tried everything that I could think of. I texted her nice things. I sent flowers to her work. I sent her romantic music. Nothing worked! Please help me! I really want to get her back.
MY RESPONSE:
Unfortunately, once someone has made up their mind to end a relationship, they have prepared themselves for argument. They have gone over the reasons for the break up over and over in their mind and have probably discussed it with friends and family. Talking them into coming back to you is an exercise in futility. It is very unlikely that they are going to say, “Oh, you are going to change and things will be different? Well, hot dang, let’s give it another shot.”
Chances are that she gave you many hints prior to the breakup that she wanted things to change. Chances are, you didn’t change and that is why she is at the point where she is ending the relationship. Simply telling her that things are going to be different from now on sounds empty when you had the chance before to make things right and didn’t.
The other things that you tried – sending her flowers and gifts, being nice, etc. only lower your appeal to her. They make you seem desperate and needy. When someone has decided that you are no good for them and they are going to move on, your advances only make it easier for them.
You were on the right track with “change.” The key at this point is not telling her that things are going to be different but showing her that things are going to be different and the only way to do that is to demonstrate that to her. She needs to really believe that you have changed so the relationship is going to be different this time.
Doing that is tricky and it’s going to take a lot of work on your part and I’ve detailed all the steps in my book on getting back your ex. It is too much to explain here but I recommend that you get a copy.