READER QUESTION: “Does your book apply to repairing marriages?”

February 8th, 2007 § 1

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QUESTION FROM READER:

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“Will your plan for getting back an ex help me get back together with my husband after a divorce? Or is it only for dating relationships?”

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MY RESPONSE:

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I’ve got to be honest… I don’t know for sure.

I would think that the same principles and suggestions apply, but the How to Get Back Your Ex plan evolved working with singles trying to get back their ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends, so I’m not willing to give an unqualified “yes.”

I can’t see any reason why it wouldn’t work, and it may be one of the best solutions out there for people who are trying to get back together with a divorced wife or husband.

It’s possible that it would have a lower success rate since a divorce is usually precipitated by more serious issues and a longer period of resentment and dislike. In other words, there would be larger barriers to overcome. Also, I am not a marriage counselor and so I don’t feel qualified to deal with divorce and marriage.

So, to summarize, I’d say that it would probably be very helpful and would provide you with information that you should probably know (since it is a similar situation) but you can’t expect the same results since it is a more difficult set of circumstances.

Breaking Up and Getting Back Together: A logical perspective

February 7th, 2007 § 0

For all you logical thinkers out there….

Relationships are so complex and subjective that it’s difficult to understand what exactly went wrong and eventually led to the demise of the relationship. Sometimes relationships are easier to understand if you break them down mathematically or logically and think about them in a very general way. Math is definitely not one of my strong suits but I think I’ll be able to get my point across. Let me know if you find any errors in my logic.

When someone is ready to break up with another person the basic equation of their mindset looks like this:

BREAKUP:

L – R > L + R

Where:

L = Their life
R = The relationship

Their life without the relationship is better than their life with it. When the relationship equation looks like this a break up is inevitable… it’s just a matter of “when.”

In order to understand how a person arrives at this conclusion we need to go one level deeper into the math and break down the values L and R. We end up with:

THE RELATIONSHIP:

R = G + 2 (-B)

Where:

R = Their perception of the relationship
G = The positive things about the relationship
-B = The negative things about the relationship

The relationship is all the good things about the relationship subtracted by all the negative things multiplied by two. The factor of two is to take into account how the things that are wrong with a relationship tend to bother us more than we focus on the things that we like about the relationship. The lower the end value of this equation is (the closer it is to, or below, 0) the more likely the break up.

HOW THEY VIEW THE RELATIONSHIP:

L = R (1.5 * PO)

L = Their life
PO = Perceived opportunity. Their perception of what their life could be like given the options available to them.
R = Their perception of the relationship

Their perceptions of opportunities available to them are always exaggerated (hence the multiplication by a factor 1.5). When the values of their perceptions of the relationship and their perceived opportunities are multiplied together you end up with either a very positive or a very negative value. If their perceptions of their relationship are negative you will end up with a very negative value. If their perceptions are positive you will end up with a very positive value. In other words, when things are going good they are going very good. But, as soon as things start going poorly, they are perceived to be going extremely poorly.

The relationship is always factored against an exaggerated view of their opportunities. This is to take into account the “grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” aspect of human nature. If the relationship still has a positive value to them then all is well… the end value will be that much higher. But, if the relationship value is negative, the relationship will be perceived very poorly. There is very little chance for a slightly positive or slightly negative value. This is to take into account our human nature to genarally think in terms of black or white.

So, to put this together again:

BREAKUP:

[ R (1.5 * PO) ] - [ G + (- B) ]

If this value is less than:

[ R (1.5 * PO) ] + [ G + (- B) ]

… then the relationship is in serious trouble.

Of course, when someone is ready to get back together the equation is:

GETTING BACK TOGETHER:

L – EX < L + EX

L = Their life
EX = The person they broke up with

Getting the equation to have these values is the "trick" to getting back together. If you would like to learn more about how to do this please look into my book.

Why Your Ex Will Resist Your Arguments For Getting Back Together

February 7th, 2007 § 3

The Human Need to Appear Consistent

Consistency is a virtue in our culture. A person whose beliefs, words, and actions align perfectly is admired as honest, genuine, and dependable. Whether we realize it or not, we place a great deal of stock in the consistency of people we associate with and we constantly strive to appear consistent to others. (This is why car salesmen push so hard for even the smallest comittment to buy… once you say you are going to do something it is difficult to change your mind.)

When your ex broke up with you, he or she made a verbal statement of what they wanted to do – a commitment of sorts. To then change their mind would be difficult because it reflects poorly on them.

No, your ex boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t thinking, “I can’t get back together with _______ because then I will appear inconsistent.” But the desire to be consistent is there – below the surface of their conscious thoughts. It’s almost automatic since the motivation to be consistent is so deeply ingrained in all of us.

When you try to argue with your ex you are – in a way – asking them to recant, to back down, to change their mind, to break a verbal “promise” they made. Your ex will automatically resist as soon as they realize what you are doing. In their mind, they will review all of their original reasons for the break up. They will use these reasons to resist your argument.

The commitment they made and the need to appear consistent automatically flips a switch in their head – RESIST! RESIST! RESIST! The conversation starts on the wrong trajectory and may continue to get worse.

The longer the argument goes on and the more points that are brought up by you, the more sophisticated their counter-arguments must become… they may come up with reasons why you shouldn’t get back together that weren’t even the reason for the breakup! In other words, while they are defending their choice to break up, they are coming up with MORE reasons why you shouldn’t get back together!

By arguing with your ex boyfriend or girlfriend are cementing the decision in their mind.

This discussion is very related to Mistake 4 of the 7 most common mistakes people make when trying to get back together with their ex girlfriend or boyfriend. You can get this list of mistakes by clicking HERE and signing up for my free course on that topic.

READER QUESTION: “Go to a concert and have fun” or “stay at home and avoid your ex”?

February 7th, 2007 § 1

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READER QUESTION:

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Hi Brian,

I just started reading your book, which is great. I have a question for you.

I really, really want to go to this concert Friday. Originally, I was supposed to go with my ex but, obviously, we broke up. Should I go anyway, knowing the he will be there, or should I not go? I love the band but I don’t want to mess up my chances of getting him back. Any advice?

Thanks!

Sincerely,

Not sure what to do

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MY RESPONSE:

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Dear Not sure what to do,

If you really want to see the concert, and aren’t going in hopes that you’ll “happen” to run into him and get back together, then I definitely think that you should go.

If you do, by chance, run into him while you are there just be friendly. Don’t act needy. Don’t try to get back together with him. Treat him like you would any other friend. Whatever you do, don’t make a scene.

However, if you don’t think that you are capable of seeing him and acting normal (as in NOT making a scene, crying, etc.) then I’d recommend that you not go.

If you think you are able to meet that one stipulation then I say go… and have fun. Don’t let this unfortunate event in your love life ruin your whole life.

Best wishes,

Brian

What to do after a breakup with your man or woman

February 7th, 2007 § 9

The first 72 hours after a breakup is crucial. Most people damage their chances of getting back with their ex during this time period. As if by instinct, they go into a needy, reactive, irrational state. They may call their ex repeatedly even after they’ve been told to stop, they insult their ex because they are hurt, or they might do something embarrassing in a public place. These behaviors are understandable because after a breakup a person is very emotional and may behave in ways they normally wouldn’t. The breakup seems like the most important thing in the moment and they aren’t really focused on the getting back together part.

So what are you supposed to immediately after a break up? In a word… nothing.

Give them space. Even though everything that you are may be fighting it, back off. Don’t call them crying, don’t send them wordy emails explaining what happened from your perspective, don’t beg for their forgiveness. Just let your ex be.

Only by giving them breathing room after a break up do you allow them to come to terms with what they have done. If the relationship had worth to them, they may second guess themselves and change their mind. They may realize the mistake they have made. But, if you are acting needy or acting irrationally you make them sure of themsevles. You give them evidence that you guys shouldn’t be together in a relationship. Only by allowing them the space to reconsider their decision do you make it possible for them to do so. It could only help your cause if your reaction to the break up is mature, confident, and shows your composure under pressure. This is much more attractive, and more likely to lead to getting back together, than, for instance, a drunken scene in front of their apartment, or whatever else your feelings are telling you makes sense right now.

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